Theories
by Sorciere
Summary: Logan has some thoughts regarding mortality.


Disclaimer: Do I have to do this AGAIN?!? Jeez! Don't own 'em, don't sue me.  
Title: Theories  
Rating: PG-13/R. This is NOT a happy, happy, foofy fic.   
Pairing: R/L, Logan POV  
WARNING: Again, this is NOT a happy, happy foofy fic. I'm not kidding.  
Summary: Logan has some thoughts regarding mortality.  
  
To Victoria P. - May her plot-bunnies never run away ;-)  
  
***  
  
They wonder about it.   
  
Every single one of them - Chuck, Jeannie, Scooter, Storm, the kids - every single fucking one of them.   
  
They'd never ask me directly, of course. They call it "courtesy" and "politeness". I call it "don't have to guts to say it out loud". Among themselves, they phrase it in different ways, try to see it from new angles, but basically, it all boils down to one question:   
  
Why am I not afraid of the Rogue and her life-sucking power?  
  
I can understand why they're curious. I mean, when Marie shows even the slightest amount of skin, they part like the fucking Red Sea. It'd be damn amusing to watch, if I didn't know how much it hurts her when they do it. She pretends it doesn't bother her, but I can smell it on her, as clear as had it been written on a fucking neon-sign above her beautiful head.  
  
Anyway, I've heard a couple of their theories, and although some of them has come damn close, none of them have figured out the real reasons.   
  
One of the theories states that it's because I can heal from virtually anything, up to and - according to them - including Marie's touch. It's a popular theory among the students...mostly because they didn't see me after I saved Marie's life on the Statue of Liberty.   
Chuck and the X-gang, however, know the truth.   
  
I was in a coma for three days. Three fucking days. That's a long time for someone who can get thrown through a windshield, hit with a full-grown pine tree and slammed repeatedly against the ground before even losing consciousness.  
  
Jeannie later told me that in the first hours after the battle, I hovered between life and death. Apparently, they almost lost me twice.   
Luckily, they'd given Marie some sort of strong sedative - she still had my healing factor, after all - so she was pretty much out for most of the night. I'm damn grateful for that. Marie has enough shit to deal with; she doesn't need any nightmares of me dying because of her. Because heaven knows that she's got more than enough horrors to fill her mind - both from Magneto and me.  
  
So let's ditch that theory. I'm not immune to Marie's powers.  
  
Another theory - Jeannie's, I think - goes something along these lines: Because of my healing factor, I consider myself immortal, and thus, at some deeper level, doesn't understand the meaning of the word 'death'. Did I mention that I hate it when Red acts like a fucking shrink?  
  
This theory's even more ridiculous than the first one. I mean - I'm a cage-fighter, for fuck's sake! I beat drunken people up for a living! I even worked as an assassin for a while, damnit! The list of people I've killed is getting damn long. I know a whole lot more about death than the entire X-gang combined. You'd think Jeannie would know that after looking into my mind. Apparently, I overestimated her intelligence.   
  
Sorry, Red, I *do* know the meaning of the word 'death'. Try again.  
  
Scooter's theory is that I'm "completely nuts."  
Hey, it takes one to know one, dick-head.  
  
This little theory is about as absurd as they can get. I mean, come on! The theory was thought up by a guy who dresses up in tight leather and plays superhero on a fucking weekly basis.  
  
I might not be the most mentally stable person in the world, but compared to Scooter and his merry team of super-geeks...   
  
I rest my case.  
  
Okay, theory four: I'm so totally, completely in love with Marie that I don't even notice her deadly skin. This one came from one of Marie's friends, the one who has a whole fucking library of trashy romance novels and who can walk through walls - Kitty, or something.   
Whatever her name is, I think she's been reading one too many of those novels. That whole romance-thing is starting to get to her.   
  
Okay, so I like Marie. Yes, I might even use the word 'love', but that doesn't make me fucking blind or something. I KNOW Marie has deadly skin. I might not be the world's most literate guy, but I'm not stupid. I KNOW there is a reason why she's wearing all those clothes, and it ain't because she's freezing.   
I mean, shit! Did they think I'd forget about Marie's skin after it put me in a coma for three days?   
No, don't answer that one. I'd have no qualms about adding you to my 'People I've Killed'-list, if it came to that.  
  
I love Marie, but I'm not soaring around on some goddamn pink, fluffy cloud. Next theory?  
  
Storm's guess: I deliberately make sure to ignore Marie's lethal skin, so that she can act normal, at least while she's around me.   
  
Gotta give her points for guessing at least one of the reasons.  
  
Marie deserves to be happy - or, as happy as she can be with her mutation. She deserves to be able to act normal around other people. But that's a little hard when most of the students here are paralyzed with fear if she even takes off her scarf for a second. I know they don't do it to hurt her, and although their behavior sometimes pisses me off, I gotta admit that I understand them.   
I mean, they don't have a healing factor. If she touches any one of them, it'll be less than a second before the connection opens. Two seconds and they'd be unconscious. Three seconds and they'd be in a coma. Five seconds and they won't have to worry about homework and mutations and friends again - ever.  
  
So yeah, I understand them. But I also understand Marie's need for physical contact, if only through clothing.   
  
I can't change the way Marie acts around other people, but I can make damn sure that she feels comfortable around me, even when she wears a tank top and no gloves.   
  
So there you have it, 'Ro - you actually guessed one of the reasons. I'm impressed.   
  
And yeah...I *do* mean ONE of the reasons. There's more, you know.  
  
Once, I hear one of Marie's little friends - the ice-hole, I think - say that the reason why I wasn't afraid is because I have a death wish. He meant it as a joke, of course.  
  
But you know...it has a bit of truth in it.  
  
No, I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm not gonna jump from the top of the Empire State Building. I'm not gonna help bucket-head escape so that he can break my neck. It's not like I walk around and think about ways to kill myself (sorry to disappoint you, One-Eye).  
  
It's more like...I wouldn't deliberately try to get myself killed...but I wouldn't walk away from a potentially life-threatening situation, either.  
  
It's...shit! How can I explain this? Shit...okay, do you know what it's like to have a healing factor like Creed and I have?  
Sure, you'd probably think it was great at first - wouldn't get sick, wouldn't die in some accident, wouldn't get hangovers, would heal from almost anything the world could throw at you...but after a while you start to notice things. Little things - like the way that bar-owner in Alberta would look just a little older every year you returned. He would have a few more gray hairs, a few more wrinkles, move a little bit slower.   
Little things, like the middle-aged woman who owned that small hotel in Alaska, the one who helped you after you woke up in the forest, unable to remember anything. You would stop by her hotel a couple of time every year, and eventually she'd even become one of your few friends. She'd look at little older each time you returned, until that time you came back and found that she'd died a few months earlier. And you suddenly remember that it's been twelve years since you first met her, and that you haven't aged a day.  
And that's when you really start to realize that you'll never really grow old - at least not for a very long time.   
And you start to become even more of a loner, always making sure that you never let people get too close. Because you know that you'll have to watch those people grow old and die, and each time a bit of you dies with them.  
  
Mutants with a healing factor...we don't die from sickness or injuries. We die from the inside and out.   
  
Like those fucking big, old trees you sometimes see - the ones that look like they've been standing here forever and will stay that way for a long time. Then, when you return a few years later, you might see some of them on the ground, toppled by a storm or whatever. And you can see the inside of the tree...and it's hollow. A black hole. Nothing there, nothing whatsoever. Just an empty shell that's virtually impossible to destroy.  
  
We die from the inside. We watch the people we care about grow old and die, and every time that little black hole in us grows a bit larger, until there's no reason to keep fighting, until there's only an empty shell left of the person we once was. And then we either go crazy or suicidal.   
  
But before we reach that stage, we all have a different way of trying not to care about others. Not to let anyone in. Not to feel another part of you die.   
  
Look at Sabretooth. He decided to completely forget about his human side and turn into a beast. Maybe it works for him. Maybe it doesn't.   
  
I tried a bit of the same approach - let some of the beast roam wild and scare people off before they got too close. And it worked...it was an empty life, but at least I didn't have to watch anyone I cared about die.   
  
But then I met Marie, and I broke my one rule. I cared.  
  
And I've watched her grow into a beautiful young woman, and I love her, and...fuck! She'll grow old and when she dies, my heart - my human side - will die with her. And...and I can't stand that thought. I don't want to hold her in my arms as she breathes her final breath. Don't ask that of me. Because I can't.   
  
Call me selfish if you want. Call me a coward for choosing the easy way out. But shit! You don't know that it's like. I don't wish for Marie to get my healing factor, I don't wish for her to absorb it completely.   
  
When I saved her...even as Jeannie and Hank were fighting to safe my life...Marie was losing the powers she'd absorbed from me. So maybe - just maybe - will her lethal touch not transfer all my powers to her, but still let her be a mortal person.  
  
Selfish, yeah, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. And now Marie has at least one person who isn't afraid of her. And if she absorbed me, even if she got all my powers, she'd still have me in her mind and she'd know it wasn't her fault. And in a way she'd never be alone. And that would make it bearable.   
  
I wouldn't touch her deliberately - I'd never do that to her - but if she accidentally touched me...I wouldn't fight it.   
  
Because as I said, it all boils down to this:  
  
Why am I not afraid of the Rogue and her life-sucking power?  
  
It's pretty simple, actually:  
  
Because her touch means death.  
  
***  
  
~End~  
  
*** 


End file.
